The Particular Examen and a Desire to Grow in Presence at Home

Early one Sunday morning, as my boys and I made our way to Mass, they were having a heated discussion about the upkeep of their shared bathroom. “You know that you always forget to flush the toilet!” one brother shouted at another. “Well, you never rinse out the sink after you brush your teeth!” another chimed in defensively. I won’t even try to convey some of the less palatable accusations that were thrown around during that short drive.

“Boys!” I finally shouted over the din. “Enough fighting already!”

Suddenly remembering where we were headed, I took a deep breath and started again more calmly. “Boys, it is better to begin with what we ourselves need to improve instead of what we think others need to improve. Can you each think of one way you could be better about the bathroom?”

They each said easily, “No, I don’t think I need to do anything better myself.” Sigh.

All through Mass that morning, I could not stop thinking about that conversation. I knew they were mistaken. I could list a bunch of things they each needed to improve in doing, not only in the bathroom, but in many other rooms around the house. If I added in all the ways they could behave better as well, the list would triple in size! As I mentally organized the seemingly never-ending list, I realized—besides having lost complete focus on the Mass—I was not taking my own advice. After all, there were more than a few things I could do better at home myself.

A Focused Examen

Last semester in my graduate course on the Spiritual Exercises, I learned about the Particular Examen. This is a bit different from the General Examen. In St. Ignatius’s original text, the Particular Examen was principally about focusing on something that was getting in the way of one’s relationship with God—a particular sin or a vice—and charting one’s daily progress in ridding oneself of it. But some practices of Ignatian spirituality have developed and changed as the world developed and changed. Now there are many ways we can imagine using the method of the Particular Examen to examine our consciousness and chart progress in our relationship with God.

For example, I can use this more focused type of Examen to focus on a particular desire that will help deepen my relationship with God. This might mean that I focus on charting the course of how I am growing or nourishing that desire. It might also mean that I focus on the opposite—reflecting on a habit that is keeping me away from growing in that particular desire and charting my progress migrating away from that habit.

There are some dangers when exploring utilizing the method of a Particular Examen, even in a modern way. First of all, it can easily become another tool I can use to beat myself up over my faults. Or it can easily devolve into me begging God to change things about me that are actually a part of who I was intentionally created to be. The best approach I have found is to see the Particular Examen as a useful tool to hone in on the things that will help me better accept and internalize my belovedness while deepening my relationship with God and others. When I do this, I find myself moving toward becoming ever more the person God created me to be and increasing my freedom to do the things God uniquely created me to do.

After the conversation with my boys over the state of their bathroom and my subsequent deep reflection on my own behavior, I came up with one desire I think God is inviting me to grow in right now at home: to be more fully present to my family.

I hope that by practicing the Particular Examen daily focused on this desire, I can come to better know and appreciate all the members of my household—even when they leave the bathroom a stinky mess!

What desire is God inviting you to grow in right now? How might using the method of a Particular Examen help?

Particular Examen to Grow in Presence at Home

Here’s my Particular Examen to grow in presence at home. Keeping a journal of this type of Examen is helpful to note progress.

• I pause to bask in the presence of the One who loves me unconditionally.
• I ask myself, Where have I been present to the members of my household today (pets included)?
  • What did I notice during these intentional moments of presence?
  • I consider each person or pet in my household and ask God to help me see each as God sees that person or pet.
• I ask myself, Where have I failed to be present to someone in my household today?
  • What got in the way of being fully present?
  • What did this moment of disconnection feel like for me? What can I imagine it might have felt like for the other person?
  • I ask God for forgiveness and reflect on how I can repair the moment with my family member in the future.
• I consider the rest of the day: Where can I be intentionally present to each member of my household this afternoon and evening? What challenges might arise? How can I work on those?
• Finally, I ask God for the graces necessary to continue to experience growth in my desire to be more fully present to my family.
• I end by taking a few moments to bask in God’s loving presence once again.