Psalm 139 always makes me a little nervous. The psalmist begins: “O LORD, you have searched me and known me. / You know when I sit down and when I rise up.” (Psalm 139:1–2) As I type this line, I am lazily sitting slumped in a chair next to my standing desk, suddenly quite aware of God’s probing eyes. Then the psalmist continues: “Even before a word is on my tongue, O LORD, you know it completely.” (4) For 16 beautiful and challenging lines, the psalmist unpacks how well God knows everything about me without me saying a single word.
God knows everything. Everything we think. Everything we want to say but don’t. Everything we say in secret and later regret. Everything.
It should be comforting. God already knows everything. But still, I struggle to be truly vulnerable with God.
This fall I started courses towards obtaining my graduate certificate in spiritual direction. I don’t know what I thought the courses would be like, but they are incredibly introspective so far. It turns out that to direct others well in their spiritual lives, I first have to know myself and my own relationship with God really well.
So what am I afraid of showing God?
I also have to be willing to let God take the full journey alongside me. This is the hardest part so far. I don’t know why. If I take Psalm 139 seriously, the psalmist drills into me that God knows every bit of my life already. So what am I afraid of showing God? It should be no big deal!
Maybe it will become easier if I give it time. If I keep coming back again and again to God with my arms wide open, perhaps I will trust the relationship even more. After all, that is what I am hoping for those I direct in the future, that they may come to trust that God’s love knows no bounds.
For one of my courses, I have to write something creative every week based on the themes of a book we are reading. I have found myself writing poetry most weeks, and the following is a poem I wrote after reading the sentence, “No one can run or hide from God.” It’s about Psalm 139, my fears about laying everything in front of God, and the futility of running from Someone who will never stop searching for and finding me.
I tried to hide
from you today.
I drove
to the busiest store
at the busiest hour
just to lose myself
in the largest of crowds.
But still,
you found me.
I tried to hide
from you today.
I worked
on the pressing challenges
of my ever-growing lists
just to lose myself
in my most important work.
But still,
you found me.
I tried to hide
from you today.
I focused
on the biggest piles
in the messiest rooms
just to lose myself
in the smallest of wins.
But still,
you found me.
I didn’t want you to.
Not today, Lord.
Not today.
Because…
I’d rather grief
be tomorrow’s problem.
Because…
I’d rather hope
be tomorrow’s solution.
I didn’t want you to.
Not today, Lord.
But you,
You didn’t
pay me
any mind.
Because…
You know
I am nothing
Because…
You know
I have nothing
Because…
You know
I can be nothing
If your hand
is not resting
in mine.
I find this psalm extremely releasing cause God, knowing me so so so well with all my “good” and “not so good” ones”, loves me! Thats’ REAL LOVE!
I like you try at times to hide…
Loved your poem. I am making a copy to add to my spiritual reading journal. It was beautifully moving.
Gretchen, as I read this I had a very clear picture of a very young child who will think that we can’t see them, because they can’t see us. And then realised that is often how I treat God. To know that God loves me even in my darkest moments is both humbling and comforting. Truly a God of mercy and love. Thank you.
Thank you for your beautiful poem Gretchen. It made me reflect and look deeply into my relationship with the Lord. Psalm 139 is my favorite Psalm.
I loved your poem -it really resonated with me
Wow
And there I was, planning to ‘busy’ my way out of contact. You might say I did not have a prayer. This post offered some needed perspective. Thank you.
A soul searching post. Your poem rang true to me. I always wonder how God can love me when God knows ALL about me. Let go, Let God! As Fr. Mychal Judge said —keep me out of your way.
Inspiring post and poem. Thanks Gretchen. God is never a loser. Putting God in front is always a win-win situation.
Gretchen, I always look forward to reading your posts. This one is very special. I will carry your poem with me.
Thank you for the insightful poem. I see myself in all the activities, all the distractions yet I think God giggles as I try to hide.
I love your poem.
Thank you for sharing your poem. I am a spiritual director and just came from a delightful place with someone. We shared so much around this same idea of God’s seeing, knowing, loving presence. Thank God for ways he lets us know his seeing and knowing and loving – even when we want to hide. I love this poem and am delighted that it was like a kiss from God to me today, another expression of assurance of his being with me. Blessings on your journey through spiritual direction training. What a gift you will be for the benefit of others,
Love your poem, Gretchen!!
I am about at the end of a 2 year spiritual direction training…about 5 months to go. it has definately been transformative… Gods grace and blessing as you make this part of your formation journey.
Unbelievably touching poem. You are so talented, thoughtful and spiritual. Your posts are very relatable and bring meaning to others, so much so that I often share them with family and friends. You will make a great spiritual director…I just wish you lived in San Antonio. God bless and may the Holy Spirit keep touching lives through you and your words.
Wow! So true and comforting. Thank you! You will be a blessing to those you journey with in spiritual direction.
So beautiful
Thank you, Gretchen. Your reflection and your poem are a stunning reminder of God in us.
Oh. My. Goodness. LOVED your poem, it spoke to me, or should I say GOD spoke to me through your words. THANK YOU for being vulnerable, and letting us see into your journey.
I was going to be selfish and hide and not reply to this wonderful text, meditation , poem. But I couldn’t.
It brought tears to my eyes, I saw myself on it.
Thank you! keep on doing what you do so well.
Congrats on your upcoming graduate certificate in spiritual direction.
So very beautiful and inspiring! Thank you Gretchen.