HomedotMagisReflectionsFitting In or Standing Out

Fitting In or Standing Out

woman with cancer applies makeup - photo by Ivan Samkov from Pexels

I no longer recognized myself in the mirror. I am a 52-year-old woman, and I am completely bald. Cancer treatment does that. I had to learn how to use scarves and hats when going out in public, in hopes of fitting in and not eliciting uncomfortable stares. On the day of my first outpatient chemo treatment, I remember thinking, “What does one wear to a chemo appointment?” Assuming at some point in the day I would be getting sick on myself, I went for a dark T-shirt. Why bother with makeup or earrings? The last thing I wanted was for anyone to notice me.

As I entered the waiting room, I really couldn’t tell if the others there were patients or caregivers, but I was sure everyone could tell which one I was. I should have gone for a wig instead of scarves! Just as I was called back to the blood lab, a woman probably 20 years younger than I was coming out. She was rocking an off-the-shoulder summer outfit right out of Vogue with perfectly matching heeled sandals and handbag, earrings, necklace, and bracelets. Her eyes were radiant with just enough makeup to make them noticeable, and she walked with an air of total confidence. She was stunningly beautiful and completely bald. I was shocked. Here was another woman in my situation, who not only didn’t worry about fitting in but clearly sought to stand out! She gave me a reassuring smile as she held the door for me to go in. Her beauty and confidence regardless of having no hair made such an impression on me I found myself still pondering it in my prayer that night. My need to fit in rather than stand out became fodder for some personal discernment.

St. Ignatius, Humble and Countercultural

There were times St. Ignatius went to great lengths to fit in. He gave up his fancy clothes and lifestyle to fit in with the poor. Even after he had written the initial drafts of the Spiritual Exercises based on his own conversion experience, he went back to school to meet the Church’s requirements for preaching. He initially refused the call of the original companions to be the leader of their group. Even as the founder and leader of the Jesuits, he lived simply, dressed modestly, and deferred to the expectations of the pope. Ignatius was all about humility before God, his companions, and those he served.

And yet Ignatius was one of the most countercultural persons of his day. He stood out so much in battle that the army that defeated him at Pamplona honored him. Under his leadership, the Society of Jesus was unique among religious orders, embedding themselves in the daily life of the city rather than withdrawing to a monastery, prioritizing their works of service, and, of course, finding God in places beyond the church building. He challenged the expectations of his day right to the edge of being tolerated. In fact, he faced the Inquisition, and many thought him a heretic, though he was cleared of all charges. In many ways, Ignatius was a rebel who didn’t worry about fitting in at all.

For Ignatius, the bottom line for any discernment was the First Principle and Foundation: choose only that which is more conducive for the end for which we were created, that is, to praise, reverence, and serve God. For me, that translates into being honest about my motivations and recognizing when I am acting out of my fears or ego rather than out of trust in my unique gifts, capacities, and belovedness. It means there will be times when I need to fit in, step back in humility, and trust the gifts of others to show the way forward. It also means there will be times I need to stand out, challenge unhealthy cultural norms and my own ego and fears, and face reality fully, regardless of the cost.

If I Stand Out

I discerned that I have never been called to make a fashion statement the way that fellow patient could. But in standing out and not shying away from her baldness, she showed me that I need not believe my loss of hair has changed my identity. I may not look the same in the mirror, but my capacity to praise, reverence, and serve God in other ways has not changed. I remain a wife, mother, friend, writer, student, advocate for the marginalized, protector of the environment, and caregiver of my body and soul.

Now well into my chemo treatments, I tend to sport a baseball cap most days to protect my head from sunburn. I will take a few minutes to put on some makeup and earrings, but I don’t think much about getting uncomfortable stares. When I do get them, I just smile back reassuringly like that beautiful woman did to me, knowing I still fit in this Ignatian world just fine. If I stand out for anything, let it be for that!

Photo by Ivan Samkov from Pexels.

Lisa Kelly
Lisa Kelly
Lisa Kelly is a wife, mother, and Ignatian Associate living in Omaha, Nebraska. She works to help organizations integrate spirituality into their planning and systems. She and her husband, Tom, completed the 19th Annotation in 2005, just prior to spending two years living in the Dominican Republic with their three young children, supporting the work of the Jesuit Institute for Latin American Concern. Additionally they have lived in El Salvador and Bolivia for extended periods.

32 COMMENTS

    • Ever faithful, Clare! Thank you for your LIFETIME of inspiration and service to so many. You are another one I am blessed to share the title ‘pilgrim’ with.

    • Thank you, Margaret. I am grateful to get to share my experiences. My husband teaches about the difference between a witness and an observer saying an observer watches and learns and internalizes maybe, but a witness means you are required or complelled to testify, the share what you have observed and learned. But my writing would be a waste of time without readers willing to take their time to read (and comment back!) Thank you for completing that connection.

  1. Lisa, thank you for the reminder to remain humble and authentic in times of trial, knowing that God loves us exactly where and how we are. Prayers for your continued recovery and the good works you do!

  2. From the very first article of yours that I read I have been touched so deeply. You and I have walked that same journey and I will pray for you. I also bought scarves and wigs to wear until I also met a young woman who didn’t bother to cover her baldness. I had always thought I was not vain but chemo made me confront that flaw in me. I also learned a lot from those treatments.
    Now I’m experiencing them again but I’m offering them to God as redemptive suffering for the sins of my family and me. It’s not often that we get to do penance for our sins before dying, lol.
    God bless you, Lisa, and may His mercy shield you from all harm.

    • Thank you for being open about your journey. It helps me to know there are others out there sharing a similar road. I don’t think you were vain at all. I think you were and remain a human woman peeling back the many layers of identity to find the deepest most beautiful core of yourself. God Bless you, Elia. One day at a time, my friend.

  3. Lisa, Thank you for sharing. Please God You will recover and continue to bring Compassion And help to others And still be with your family. In my prayers. A.M.D.G.

  4. Thank you for sharing this with us. I have been keeping you in my daily prayers for some time now, since I first read of your illness. May God continue to bless and support you !

    • Keep ’em coming, Pat. For me and for all those journeying this road of disease and unknown futures. So grateful that you care so much to journey with us.

  5. I remember a woman sitting at a coffee counter in a bowling ally,with friends. She was bald except for an oval patch of hair on the back of her head. It was permed and colored. I was so impressed with her. Don’t know why she was bald but I never dressed to impress others again.

    • Someone told me “Live to express not impress” and I think I am finally learning what that means from the inside out. Thanks Cheryl!

  6. And all the Saints on their special day smile right back at you as am I. Thank you for your your courage to share this poignant aspect of your journey. You, your family and all who care for you are in my prayers and will be.

  7. Lisa,
    Tears of Joy for you.
    For your gifted medical care-givers.
    For your family and Friends.
    For your gifts of language and writing .
    For your Ignatian Spiritual insights.
    For your Faith sharing.
    For the gift of a generous heart.
    For You.
    Rob

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